It's been a crazy couple of days. Spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in Detroit for Chad's grandfather's funeral. I'll save the reflections on it - but will say that while there were moments of sadness, I think there was also a lot of relief that he is not suffering any longer. Only 80, though, but a pretty rough life during the early years and it must have taken its toll on him.
The other main crazy is that I've been spotting. Little bit of brown here and there. And yesterday (Friday) in the toilet small red tissue that I've convinced myself was the start of a miscarriage. I probably should have called the doctor, but I don't know that there is anything anyone can do about a miscarriage this early on in a pregnancy. I've resigned myself to believing that I am not pregnant any longer - and even had a diet coke yesterday (I've been off of them since I found out) because I didn't think it mattered.
Still a bit more spotting today, but not the full on discharge of blood that I thought there would be. So do I get my hopes up again? I'm not sure what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking. But all I can do is think about the worst. How I might be too old to carry a baby to term. How the cryo-surgery they did might have caused some damage or scaring.
I don't think I am going to know until there is more discharge. I've had some cramps, but yesterday, it could have been food I ate at the luncheon after the funeral? Today, not nearly as bad. Both happened after I took those horse vitamins. Which is probably completely unrelated.
So I go on about my life - except my life is tied up with the life that is or is not still inside of me. I'll write more when I know more? Which I do hope is soon...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
The start of something big (or little)?
I probably should have started this journal on Friday - when that little CVS stick boldly declared I was pregnant. No one lines/two lines. No ambiguous colors. Just the word pregnant in the little window. Pretty amazing.
And because I didn't/don't feel any different than I did when I wasn't pregnant, it is still taking a bit to sink in. I truly thought I had done something wrong with the test. It said that within 30 seconds, the display would flash that it was processing. And that 2-4 minutes later, I would know. Within 15 seconds, there was no doubt that it said pregnant. The fill-the-jar pee test at Kaiser on Saturday morning left no doubt. I am a 37 year old expecting my first child.
Those of you who know my history with children would have probably thought I would have been at this point a while ago, but it never seemed quite right. But it did about 9 months ago when Chad and I began "trying". It was a decision to try, but not to get our hopes up. And after 9 months of nothing, one does begin to wonder if one waited too long. And even knowing that I am pregnant, it doesn't quite seem like I should be counting on having a child yet. There are too many things that can go wrong, and yet there are also so many things that can go right. I am going to have to make peace with this soon.
Maybe when we tell someone it will seem more real and more of an eventuality? I think we want to be cautious because there have been some people waiting for this for a while (Grandma and Grandpa Kramer, in particular), but I think I have to tell my sister. I want us to tell my sister. She is far enough away and out of the day-to-day Baltimore loop that I am confident that it won't go farther than her. But to tell anyone here - there is too much potential for spillage. So we'll see how long we can keep it a secret here. I keep thinking that someone is going to notice that I've stopped drinking wine or soda? And there is a good chance this will happen so I am ready with my story that both Chad and I are cutting back on alcohol so we can get to our target weights. Not exactly untrue, as my target weight is going to involve a healthy baby inside of me.
There is so much more to write, and my mind is a whirl a lot of the time. But I should do some work on that dissertation of mine - a topic for another post. I think I am going to try to get daddy to do some writing too. You'll want his perspective on things. He's pretty busy right now with running that school of his, but I think writing will be a great side project.
And because I didn't/don't feel any different than I did when I wasn't pregnant, it is still taking a bit to sink in. I truly thought I had done something wrong with the test. It said that within 30 seconds, the display would flash that it was processing. And that 2-4 minutes later, I would know. Within 15 seconds, there was no doubt that it said pregnant. The fill-the-jar pee test at Kaiser on Saturday morning left no doubt. I am a 37 year old expecting my first child.
Those of you who know my history with children would have probably thought I would have been at this point a while ago, but it never seemed quite right. But it did about 9 months ago when Chad and I began "trying". It was a decision to try, but not to get our hopes up. And after 9 months of nothing, one does begin to wonder if one waited too long. And even knowing that I am pregnant, it doesn't quite seem like I should be counting on having a child yet. There are too many things that can go wrong, and yet there are also so many things that can go right. I am going to have to make peace with this soon.
Maybe when we tell someone it will seem more real and more of an eventuality? I think we want to be cautious because there have been some people waiting for this for a while (Grandma and Grandpa Kramer, in particular), but I think I have to tell my sister. I want us to tell my sister. She is far enough away and out of the day-to-day Baltimore loop that I am confident that it won't go farther than her. But to tell anyone here - there is too much potential for spillage. So we'll see how long we can keep it a secret here. I keep thinking that someone is going to notice that I've stopped drinking wine or soda? And there is a good chance this will happen so I am ready with my story that both Chad and I are cutting back on alcohol so we can get to our target weights. Not exactly untrue, as my target weight is going to involve a healthy baby inside of me.
There is so much more to write, and my mind is a whirl a lot of the time. But I should do some work on that dissertation of mine - a topic for another post. I think I am going to try to get daddy to do some writing too. You'll want his perspective on things. He's pretty busy right now with running that school of his, but I think writing will be a great side project.
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