Little Lime

It has been a while - I know. Here we are at Week 11 (little lime - up from kumquat last week), and as far as I can tell, all is well. Again, I still get a bit worried when I think about how I don't feel pregnant so I won't know if something is going wrong, but I can't fixate on this. I just need to keep eating right, taking my pills, and trying to stay positive.

Had a major melt-down on Friday with Chad. He wouldn't wait with me at Samos and walked out. He said he couldn't stay. It freaked me out a bit that he couldn't put me first and overcome what was going on with to do something that was important to me. I need to stay more even tempered, but I also need him to know that he has to think of me a bit more. The rest of the weekend was actually really good. Bought our first baby book - none of them looked very good. Oh, and I bought a much lighter computer so I could carry little lime and the computer at the same time.

I think I need to come clean with Ed about the lack of progress on my dissertation. Or I have to suck it up and really do it. But I also have to study for the Praxis this weekend. I am not sure when it is all going to happen. So here I am blogging as another way to avoid real work. Maybe if I go grade a few papers for an hour, I will feel better about things? This was supposed to be about little lime - next time more of a focus on what is truly important.

Plans for telling the families

So I mailed 2 envelopes to Mom/Dean and Flossie today. Inside were three smaller envelopes - one with my Google 15 goal of 165 lbs, one with a calendar with June 1 circled, and one of the initial sonogram. I am going to call this weekend and have them open the envelopes one at a time. I really did think about going down to Houston when I saw one of the SWA specials today. Part of me still wants to do this, and I am not sure why I wouldn't, but I don't know that I am going to make it happen.

We are going to tell the Kramers this weekend when we see them. I think we'll do the same sort of envelope opening? Or maybe Chad will have an idea.

I haven't felt very pregnant at all this week - even my sore breasts are not as sore. And while I am not one to worry, it does give me pause that I still don't feel pregnant so I wouldn't know if something was not going as it should. I will be sure to write when I do feel pregnant - it will be a momentous day.

7 weeks 6 days

So it sounds like I am 7 weeks and 6 days along - which is practically 8 weeks (tomorrow) which is 2 months. This was the good news. It looks like June 1 could be my due date, but they'll have an official report to share.

Dr. Wu didn't call to give me the due date, but to tell me that the ultra sound showed that I have a subchorionic hemmorage hanging out with little bean. A really small one, he said - 1.3 cm by 2.4 cm (if I wrote it down right). He said it could have been the cause of the spotting a couple of weeks ago. And there is really not much to be done - it should get reabsorbed because it is so small.

A quick search on the internet was a bit scary...I think I might have to stop reading discussion boards. This is a link to an informational page. Dr. Wu said there wasn't much to be done and the medical site say the same thing. Basically that if you are going to miscarry, you are going to miscarry. Many of the board sites, though, say you should go on bed rest, not have sex and a million other things. I guess I am going to go with what Dr. Wu said, but probably won't keep doing any double-rides on the bike. Miscarriage increases with age - doubling for those over 35 (like me), so I am back to being worried and wondering if we should wait through the first trimester (after which the chance of miscarrying goes down significantly) to tell people. We were thinking about doing it next weekend, but I think I'll talk to Chad about backing it up to Thanksgiving again. It is so hard not to say anything, though! But I don't want people worrying about me and little bean.

Introducing Little Bean

Ok - so it is not the best picture. And we still don't have a due date (hopefully tomorrow), but here is little bean's first photo. There is also a short video that Chad took before the tech told him he couldn't. I might try to find a way to link it later...

The Bean and the Beat

So, there is a tiny amazing life inside of me. I hoped to have a picture, but the vaginal sonogram wasn't set up for this. On Wednesday, I'll have the "real" one and actually get a due date, although Dr. Wu does say he thinks I am about 8 weeks along - given the size of my uterus.

It is hard to explain what we say, but there in black and white were two little pulsing dots. The heart beat of the child inside of me. Despite the fact that I don't really feel quite pregnant. Despite the fact that I still have all the worries of what could go wrong. It was OK for a crystal clear moment when the pregnant from the CVS stick became truly real.

Lots to start thinking about. Once we have the due date, we are going to start strategizing on when to tell people. The parents first. Then probably the Broadway Overlook crew. Then longer distance friends. Right now, we are leaning against an amniocentesis, but might get genetic counseling just to get more information. I think we are in this no matter what, so I am not sure what getting the amnio would add - other than the stress of the potential it has for causing miscarriage. I don't want a needle near my little bean, unless there is a really good reason to do it.

Little boys and more on Beverages

I spent a couple of hours last night babysitting the Kannam boys. As you can see from my list, I am leaning heavily towards names for girls, and I can't say exactly why. Maybe it goes back to my early years babysitting the Kyla, Kenna crew? I seemed to always relate a bit better to little girls. Not that I don't have fun with the Kannam boys - just a bit more effort.

Even so, I think we are up for just about anything. At my age, the word healthy continues to cross my mind. And if this means not even cheating once or twice a week with the nutra-sweet, so be it. I wish Dr. Pepper had a caffeine-free version. I think I could do regular caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, not sure I can do regular caffeine-free coke or pepsi.

I was looking at juices today and so many of them have so much darn sugar - and end up being 300 or more calories each. I know I am supposed to be taking in more calories, in fact, I think it is about 300 more per day - not that I have a baseline to know how much more this is. But I suppose by not having my normal 2-3 glasses of wine per week, I am down calories there, so I probably would be OK with more juice. I just have to find a brand that is not pure sugar and syrup. I need to start making my list of questions for the nurse practitioner, and I suppose I should find that health survey.

One week to the first Appointment

So a week from today, I might know a bit more about this being pregnancy business. The ultrasound is two days later, but Dr. Wu said he could do a vaginal ultrasound and make his best guess (I am not sure he said guess, but I think this was what he implied).

All in all things seem to be going well. No more spotting. I did drink two diet sodas this weekend - and I bought some caffeine-free diet coke so that I won't feel guilty about the caffeine. Chad still has me nervous about the artificial sweetner, but I can't keep drinking juice and seltzer. Or maybe I can and I would if I HAD to, but I am not convinced I have to.

I have been feeling tired - not really able to concentrate for very long, but I don't know if this is truly something physical or me just mentally being all over the place. It does make it tough to prepare for my classes. Especially the silly portfolio class. I am glad tomorrow night is the last one on differentiation. Still a lot of work to do tomorrow, so I suppose I should put my tired self to bed. I've been getting close to 9 hours of sleep, but still drag a bit...

On-going name list

This is the start of a list of names. I won't take names off, but might try to figure out ways to cross them off. And I'll keep adding. I still think we want to try to figure out using Ripley, but I am not sure if it will be a first or middle name? It could depend upon what else we come up with.

Today I've been thinking about girls, but I should spend some time on boys too. Again, I think we'll use Charles for my father and his father, but we'll need a good middle name too. I have to do some investigating of other family names on my side too.

Girls
Tessa (10/5)
Josie (10/5)
Olivia (10/5) - very popular right now, but it's meaning is related to "peace" which is pretty cool
Livia (10/12) - version of Olivia
Lucy (10/5)
Isabel (10/5)
Elena (10/5)
Sadie (10/5) (10/24) - been thinking more about this one recently. really like it
Emma (10/12 from Jenny)
Madison (10/12 from Jenny)
Penelope (10/12)
Annabelle (10/12)
Bella (10/12)
Lily (10/12) Lillian (11/30)
Skye (10/12) - for a long time, "the sky is blue" was Chad's way of saying he loved me before he could say he loved me so this could be pretty cool...
Alanna (10/16)
Brigid (10/16)
Cassidy (10/16)
Sasha (10/16)
Adaline (10/16)
Marin (10/16)

Boys
Dylan (10/5)
Benjamin (10/5)
Sebastian (10/15)
Ian (10/15)
Quinn (10/16)
Reilly (10/16)
Bradan (10/16)
Silas (11/11)

Telling Jenny and any everyone else

It's been a good week so far. Much less spotting - and while I don't want to get my hopes up too much, it seems to have gone away for now. We were able to schedule a sonogram for October 17 - which will be a good thing to know exactly how far along I am. I keep thinking that I must be at least 5 weeks, but really have no idea. I suppose I should have kept better track?

We told Jenny last night on speaker phone. It was important to me that Chad be part of this since we are waiting to tell the rest of his family. Jenny is far enough away that I don't think she'll slip. Whereas, if we told Culann, he'd want to tell Carolyn and then it would be hard to keep it under wraps. I think the plan is to wait until Thanksgiving to tell the Kramer clan, but I am not sure if we'll be able to make it that long. If we see Vivienne any other time in late October or earlier in November, we might have to say something. And then while I would love to tell my mom in person, I don't think I am going to see her between now and Christmas, and I just don't think I can wait until Christmas, so it will most likely end up being a phone conversation.

I've been a bit tired - I worked at home today cleaning up computer files. And took a nap this afternoon. Naps are good things, but it is too darn hot for October so I woke up in a sweat. I am still doing a good job riding the bike - although I might cut back to just one episode of things at a time. Will have to see. I'd like to keep up with it, but I am not sure how to adjust my Google 15 goal. Should I put it 20 pounds more than I am now? This will be a good question to ask the nurse practitioner at the first appointment - along with asking just how bad artificial sweetner is and whether I can maybe perhaps have one a day or week? More on beverages soon...

Spot Watch - October 1st

So, definitely still spotting which keeps me on edge, despite the fact that I did do a bit of reading on the internet (quite dangerous, if one is the super-nervous type) and discovered that there seems to be no rhyme or reason to spotting and when it is actually a miscarriage.

I talked with Dr. Wu today. He truly is such a nice man. We are going to schedule a sonogram to check on a heart beat (although I wonder if you are too small for this yet) and to see if we can get a due date. Somehow, I think a due date would perhaps make things more real. Or might make me believe that I am pregnant. I am not asking for morning sickness necessarily, but I am still struggling with the fact that I don't feel pregnant, so how am I going to know if something does go wrong, and I end up not pregnant. Yes, my breasts are sore, but they've been sore before. And I am a bit tired, but it has been a busy week so if I didn't "know" I was pregnant, would I notice being any more tired than usual?

From what I've read and from talking to Dr. Wu, it sounds like the only way to know this is if there is a much heavier flow of blood. Which means I will stay on edge for a while longer. Like being in a holding pattern. I can't bring myself to get excited, and by waiting to tell my sister, I missed the week window of being-nervous-but-not-being-skeptical. Now I am solidly skeptical and I don't think I can bring myself to tell her until I am somehow more sure of things - but I am not sure what it is going to take to make me more sure of things. I suppose the sonogram will help?

Definitely not sure of anything

It's been a crazy couple of days. Spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in Detroit for Chad's grandfather's funeral. I'll save the reflections on it - but will say that while there were moments of sadness, I think there was also a lot of relief that he is not suffering any longer. Only 80, though, but a pretty rough life during the early years and it must have taken its toll on him.

The other main crazy is that I've been spotting. Little bit of brown here and there. And yesterday (Friday) in the toilet small red tissue that I've convinced myself was the start of a miscarriage. I probably should have called the doctor, but I don't know that there is anything anyone can do about a miscarriage this early on in a pregnancy. I've resigned myself to believing that I am not pregnant any longer - and even had a diet coke yesterday (I've been off of them since I found out) because I didn't think it mattered.

Still a bit more spotting today, but not the full on discharge of blood that I thought there would be. So do I get my hopes up again? I'm not sure what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking. But all I can do is think about the worst. How I might be too old to carry a baby to term. How the cryo-surgery they did might have caused some damage or scaring.

I don't think I am going to know until there is more discharge. I've had some cramps, but yesterday, it could have been food I ate at the luncheon after the funeral? Today, not nearly as bad. Both happened after I took those horse vitamins. Which is probably completely unrelated.

So I go on about my life - except my life is tied up with the life that is or is not still inside of me. I'll write more when I know more? Which I do hope is soon...

The start of something big (or little)?

I probably should have started this journal on Friday - when that little CVS stick boldly declared I was pregnant. No one lines/two lines. No ambiguous colors. Just the word pregnant in the little window. Pretty amazing.

And because I didn't/don't feel any different than I did when I wasn't pregnant, it is still taking a bit to sink in. I truly thought I had done something wrong with the test. It said that within 30 seconds, the display would flash that it was processing. And that 2-4 minutes later, I would know. Within 15 seconds, there was no doubt that it said pregnant. The fill-the-jar pee test at Kaiser on Saturday morning left no doubt. I am a 37 year old expecting my first child.

Those of you who know my history with children would have probably thought I would have been at this point a while ago, but it never seemed quite right. But it did about 9 months ago when Chad and I began "trying". It was a decision to try, but not to get our hopes up. And after 9 months of nothing, one does begin to wonder if one waited too long. And even knowing that I am pregnant, it doesn't quite seem like I should be counting on having a child yet. There are too many things that can go wrong, and yet there are also so many things that can go right. I am going to have to make peace with this soon.

Maybe when we tell someone it will seem more real and more of an eventuality? I think we want to be cautious because there have been some people waiting for this for a while (Grandma and Grandpa Kramer, in particular), but I think I have to tell my sister. I want us to tell my sister. She is far enough away and out of the day-to-day Baltimore loop that I am confident that it won't go farther than her. But to tell anyone here - there is too much potential for spillage. So we'll see how long we can keep it a secret here. I keep thinking that someone is going to notice that I've stopped drinking wine or soda? And there is a good chance this will happen so I am ready with my story that both Chad and I are cutting back on alcohol so we can get to our target weights. Not exactly untrue, as my target weight is going to involve a healthy baby inside of me.

There is so much more to write, and my mind is a whirl a lot of the time. But I should do some work on that dissertation of mine - a topic for another post. I think I am going to try to get daddy to do some writing too. You'll want his perspective on things. He's pretty busy right now with running that school of his, but I think writing will be a great side project.