The start of something big (or little)?

I probably should have started this journal on Friday - when that little CVS stick boldly declared I was pregnant. No one lines/two lines. No ambiguous colors. Just the word pregnant in the little window. Pretty amazing.

And because I didn't/don't feel any different than I did when I wasn't pregnant, it is still taking a bit to sink in. I truly thought I had done something wrong with the test. It said that within 30 seconds, the display would flash that it was processing. And that 2-4 minutes later, I would know. Within 15 seconds, there was no doubt that it said pregnant. The fill-the-jar pee test at Kaiser on Saturday morning left no doubt. I am a 37 year old expecting my first child.

Those of you who know my history with children would have probably thought I would have been at this point a while ago, but it never seemed quite right. But it did about 9 months ago when Chad and I began "trying". It was a decision to try, but not to get our hopes up. And after 9 months of nothing, one does begin to wonder if one waited too long. And even knowing that I am pregnant, it doesn't quite seem like I should be counting on having a child yet. There are too many things that can go wrong, and yet there are also so many things that can go right. I am going to have to make peace with this soon.

Maybe when we tell someone it will seem more real and more of an eventuality? I think we want to be cautious because there have been some people waiting for this for a while (Grandma and Grandpa Kramer, in particular), but I think I have to tell my sister. I want us to tell my sister. She is far enough away and out of the day-to-day Baltimore loop that I am confident that it won't go farther than her. But to tell anyone here - there is too much potential for spillage. So we'll see how long we can keep it a secret here. I keep thinking that someone is going to notice that I've stopped drinking wine or soda? And there is a good chance this will happen so I am ready with my story that both Chad and I are cutting back on alcohol so we can get to our target weights. Not exactly untrue, as my target weight is going to involve a healthy baby inside of me.

There is so much more to write, and my mind is a whirl a lot of the time. But I should do some work on that dissertation of mine - a topic for another post. I think I am going to try to get daddy to do some writing too. You'll want his perspective on things. He's pretty busy right now with running that school of his, but I think writing will be a great side project.