It's been a crazy couple of days. Spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in Detroit for Chad's grandfather's funeral. I'll save the reflections on it - but will say that while there were moments of sadness, I think there was also a lot of relief that he is not suffering any longer. Only 80, though, but a pretty rough life during the early years and it must have taken its toll on him.
The other main crazy is that I've been spotting. Little bit of brown here and there. And yesterday (Friday) in the toilet small red tissue that I've convinced myself was the start of a miscarriage. I probably should have called the doctor, but I don't know that there is anything anyone can do about a miscarriage this early on in a pregnancy. I've resigned myself to believing that I am not pregnant any longer - and even had a diet coke yesterday (I've been off of them since I found out) because I didn't think it mattered.
Still a bit more spotting today, but not the full on discharge of blood that I thought there would be. So do I get my hopes up again? I'm not sure what I am supposed to be feeling or thinking. But all I can do is think about the worst. How I might be too old to carry a baby to term. How the cryo-surgery they did might have caused some damage or scaring.
I don't think I am going to know until there is more discharge. I've had some cramps, but yesterday, it could have been food I ate at the luncheon after the funeral? Today, not nearly as bad. Both happened after I took those horse vitamins. Which is probably completely unrelated.
So I go on about my life - except my life is tied up with the life that is or is not still inside of me. I'll write more when I know more? Which I do hope is soon...
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